So Long Sarah!

We'll miss you lots.

Dating Isn't a Joke with the Comedian

I went on a date last night with a comedian I met a few weeks agowhen I went out with U2 and his boys. After a few phone calls, I was pretty sure I wasn't interested, but thought going out on a date with him couldn't hurt. How wrong I was...

I feel you need a diary-style recap.

Last week: We decide via email that Monday is the only day we can have this date. We make tentative plans to meet, and he says he'll call Monday with details.

Monday
2:00 The Comedian emails to say "let's meet at Hawk and dove at 8:00" I email back to say H&D is tough logistically, can we pick somewhere else? We decide on Kitty O'Sheas at 8:00. (At this time, I set a mental curfew of 10 p.m.)

7:45 The Comedian calls to say he just missed a train at Shady Grove and is running late. I haven't left my house yet, so we agree to meet at 8:308:30 I arrive at the bar. I have to pick a strategic spot to sitbecause I am not sure I'll recognize the date. I order a drink. Iopen a tab (this is important later).

8:50 The Comedian calls - he walked the wrong way on Wilson and is on his way to the bar.8:55 The Comedian arrives. (I revise the metal curfew to 10:30 b/c I don't think I can get away with leaving in an hour). He is drenched in cologne (I thought it was Drakkar Noir, but later find out it's Preferred Stock). He is wearing white jean shorts, a blue v-neck t-shirt, a thick gold chain and a shiny gold watch.

9:00 The Comedian orders a drink - a Long Island Iced Tea. he tells me for the first of 45 times that: 1. He has a larger than life personality and 2. he hasn't had a drink or a cigarette in 10 days (we had previously discussed my work for "the tobacco Gestapo" - his words) and 3. he has an ego the size on Montana. I already regret agreeing to this date.

9:15 The Comedian orders a second LI Iced Tea. He is basically reciting stand up routines in my direction. (I mentally move the curfew back to 10)

9:30 - 9:45 The Comedian proceeds to tell me how he is so glad he got off the hill and now works as "a comic and actor". He also says he sometimes gambles to pay his mortgage. His grandmother is his best friend. He may or may not live with his parents - it sounds like that, but I didn't dig into it.

He repeats 20 times that he has a larger than life personality. He begins speaking in a fake irish accent. I call him on it. (In this half hour period, I say a total of about 2 sentences - he asks me questions, but continues his monologues).

He also pulled out 5, count them, 5 pack of cigarettes and lined them up on the bar. He chain smoked the whole date. He ordered a 3rd LI Iced tea during this soliloquy.

He tells the bartender (who is watching this whole date like a car wreck) that I picked him up in a bar. This is the only time I feel the need to step in and defend myself.

9:45 I go to the bathroom and plot my exit.

9:47 I return to find another beer ordered for me. I say "I have anearly day tomorrow, I can't be out late." He begins a 2 minute rantabout me and my "big job".

He asks what time I turn into a pumpkin. I say "10:30". He says, "how about this, if you like me, you stay until 11." I say "I'm leaving at 10:30" He begins telling the bartender and anyone else who's listening how awesome I am and that I have "as strong a personality as him."

He says "People usually kiss my ass - I love that you just give it back to me." I don't have the heart to tell him that this isn't witty repartee. The Irish accent continues

10:30 I tell him I need to leave shortly and go to the bathroom. I send Kris a text message that say "My date sucks". I return and he's ordered us each another drink. I tell him that I don't want another drink because I'm leaving.

He begins to get loud. He keeps going with the monologue, completely ignoring that I am leaving. I ask the bartender for a glass of water and the check.

The Comedian begins to lecture me, unprompted, that there are no conclusive studies linking second hand smoke to cancer. I tell him that's great, I haven't said a thing about smoking and lung cancer and don't think it's a topic we need to discuss at this point.

He then says, "let's talk about foreign policy". I say "I'm done for tonight, I don't want to talk about foreign policy". He says (loudly, to the bar) "You'd be a lot hotter if you weren't so shallow." At this point, I'm really done.

10:40 Check comes, it's $46. The Comedian says "Do you want some cash for that?" I say, "yeah, I'd like to just pay it with cash." He fumbles around for about 5 minutes "looking for his wallet".

He finally pulls it out and hand me a $20. You've got to be kidding me. His drinks alone were $30+ and he ordered me a beer after I expressly told him I was leaving. I am too annoyed to worry about it.

I pay the tab.While this is going on, the bar tender whispers to me "Did you have a good night?" I roll my eye and say "Yep, it was great" He introduces himself to me, I tell him I think the bar is great and will definitely come back.

The Comedian yells across the bar “hey Tim, are you hitting on my date?" I stand up to leave.

The Comedian says "Wait, I'll walk you home" and proceeds tochug his LI Iced tea and my beer. I say "no thanks, it's the opposite way for you".

We walk out of the bar. He goes on a rant about how he's not trying to sleep with me but he's a southern gentleman and will walk me home. I say, "Really no, just go to the metro". I do the quick hug and begin to walk away.

I hear him mutter under his breath "F*ck you". I ignore it and continue to walk home. He yells down the street at me "Hey OtherGus, like the Irish say 'Sod off!'".

Ranchified

If ever there were a column written exclusively for Other Gus, then this is definitely it.

Never have I met another person who so loved Ranch dressing.

How much does she love Ranch, you ask? A few years back, I dragged our little circle of friends to one of the only true wing places in the DC area, The Buffalo Wing Factory. We drove a full 30 minutes outside of town just to sample their fare. Concerned that they might not have enough ranch dressing to satisfy her craving, OG cleverly tucked a full-sized bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch into her purse.

This is to say nothing of her other particular food tastes for which we often tease her. And I must admit that she has a point--many, many foods taste better with ranch. French fries, for example, have a much better kick when you smother them in Ranch instead of ketchup.

So next time you're out at a restaurant, don't forget the Ranch. It's the American thing to do.

Moving sucks

OK, so went to Evanston last week and got to see the house (adorable though the bedrooms are all pretty small). We spent some time wandering around the town, and I had to keep reminding myself that I was going to be living there in just over a month. It all felt surreal.

Well, now back in DC, I have to get to the business of finalizing my life here (closing utilities, forwarding address, etc.) and figuring out how to get from here to there.

Except it's DAMN expensive.

When my parents moved me out here six years ago, I think they rented a small moving van and it cost $400, tops. Well, now I can't seem to find a quote under $700, and never mind I also need to figure out how to get my parents (or at least my dad) out here to help. He suggested finding a round-trip van instead of a one-way, but for a 2,000 mile trek, the cost just isn't feasible. I've even looked into those Pod-moving-thingies and those range from $800 to as much as $2,000.

Sigh. I guess things just aren't cheap anymore. If anyone else knows of some cost-effective moving solutions, I'm all ears.