Dread

There is nothing worse than the anticipation of a bad announcement. I've spent the last week tied up in knots over an impending "reorg" announcement here at work--an announcement that has started rumors and rumblings that my (new) job will change.

I feel like bad news is one of those things you'd rather experience like a band-aid--rip it off quickly, feel the sting, move on. Better to take you by sudden surprise. I think back to the employer who laid me off back in DC. I had heard nothing of a restructuring; in fact, the day I was let go was my first day back after a week's vacation. I had about a half an hour of warning that I was about to be called into a very, very bad meeting. I didn't have time to play through all the possible scenarios in my head, to torture myself about what might or might not happen.

But when you know something ugly is coming, it's incredibly difficult to brush it aside, to pretend you didn't hear it. I'm always struck by an insatiable desire to know what I don't know, to explain the uncertainty, to find clarity where there is only mist. And so I brood. And brood. And brood. And the worst part of it is, if the news ends up not being as bad as I had feared (and by my nature I almost always fear--or at least consider--the worst) then in some way it's tarnished, because in my head I've lived out the worst case scenario.

I admire those who are carefree, who can live without worry in a situation like this. Que sera sera, they say... and I know it is true, whatever happens will happen. But I just can't seem to stop myself from wondering what that might be.